Relationships are gateways to self discovery. You may have heard this before, as I have, and this thought has fascinated me. I wonder often how this works, how exactly relationships help us discover ourselves. Do we learn by observing successful relationships? Or by experiencing failure? Is there something more to all of this? I decided to explore.

Ancient scripts and new age teachers indicate that there is a lot more to relationships than meets the eye. Relationships are considered mirrors of our selves.

Let me explain.

Each of us is a unique individual, with different experiences, conditioning, values, beliefs, perspectives and attitudes. No two people are exactly alike. At this point let me introduce my relationship with my brother, Neehar, to assist our understanding. My particular outlook to life determines the way I ‘see’ Neehar. My father sees him differently, as does my mother. He means different things to each of his friends.

Now this gets interesting. In any given moment, Neehar is not changing, and yet each person who comes into contact with him will have a differing view/idea of who he is.

This leads to the strange situation in which our partners in relationships, who we think we know so well, appear completely different to other people who also know them very well! One way to explain this conundrum is that the difference lies within us. And by analysing the way that we relate to the people in our life, we can discover our own perspectives and unearth hidden beliefs.

For example, if I think that my brother is caring, it is not necessary that everyone in his life believes that he is. What it simply means is that Neehar behaves in ways that I believe are caring. And by analysing that I can discover what my idea of “a caring person” is.

That’s level one. To go a little bit deeper I would like to refer to something that Dr. Demartini said. I don’t remember the exact quote, but, the essence of his message is that relationships allow us to discover the truth about who we are, and where we have failed to accept ourselves.

This indicates that relationships serve a higher, spiritual, purpose. Of complete self acceptance.

Dr Demartini teaches that each of us has the potential to behave in every possible way – good or bad. And the people we don’t like come into our lives to show us the ways in which we don’t like ourselves, the ways in which we haven’t forgiven ourselves, and the ways we do not accept ourselves.

For example – I cannot stand people who don’t honour their word. I think that they are unreliable, cannot be trusted, cannot be depended upon, and I try hard not to engage with them.

Going deeper, and using the mirror principle, I could ask myself -

1. Are there times that I have not honoured my word?
Yes, and I usually had good reasons for not being able to keep my word.

2. Are there situations where I felt that I could have done things differently to keep my word?
Of course there are. I could have saved myself a lot of bother in some situations!

3. How do I feel about myself when I don’t keep my word? How do I react?
I feel terrible. I scold myself and tell myself I should be more careful when I make a commitment. I aim to be a dependable, trustworthy person. When situations arise, that prove me otherwise, I get extremely self-critical.

4. Is this similar to how I would react to another person who does not keep their word?
Yes, surprisingly similar.

Asking myself these questions, I come to realise that I cannot accept this behaviour of mine. I have not forgiven myself for several times that I did not keep my word. As a result I believe, somewhere deep inside, that I cannot trust myself completely; and that makes me wary of commiting to people. Each time an opportunity arises to deepen a relationship, I find myself resisting. Subconsciously I end up asking – Can I make a promise that I can keep? What a stressful state to be in!

Furthering the mirror principle, I can understand my dislike for encountering situations where I, or others, fail to honour a commitment. These situations are a stark, unforgiving, mirror of who I secretly fear I am. No wonder that I strive to avoid these situations and these people. No wonder that I avoid these aspects of myself.

Spiritual texts indicate that, our soul is all loving and all accepting. And the purpose of our lives is to re-discover this pure inner self. It is said that the entire universe conspires to help us along the way; help us discover, accept and love ourselves in every conceivable situation. I believe in this. I believe that the people we come across in our lives reflect to us all the ways we do not love ourselves, and give us the gift of awareness.

I will leave you with the intriguing thought, that the people we hate the most, perhaps, have the most to teach us about ourselves.

Wishing you Lightness.